Forwards
by Elizaellen
Summary: Sully and Michaela try to move forwards after Catherine's departure. Will Michaela open her heart to love again? How will the children react? Sequel to Backwards
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. The rights to those characters and to the show belong to the creators of the show, to CBS, The Sullivan Company and to A&E.

**Forwards – Part One**

_This is a sequel to my previous story Backwards. It takes place after Catherine leaves and deals with how Michaela and Sully begin to heal._

The small mirror reflected her face, showing the hollowness of her cheeks and lines on her forehead. She ran her fingertips over the lines, hoping to smooth them out as if she were smoothing out wrinkles on the bed. This was silly she told herself. After all they had agreed that it wasn't time to move forward yet. This was simply about restoring their friendship. Yet still she worried, afraid that the last few weeks showed on her face, around her eyes and mouth.

Now she looked down, her outfit chosen this morning with the thought that Sully would be at dinner tonight. She knew she had lost weight but it wasn't until now that she realized just how much. Her skirt appeared too long, dragging the floor of the homestead. It no longer stayed around her waist but hung rather on her hips. She pulled it up, straightening the side seams wondering why she was worried about how she looked. After all Sully knew the last few weeks had been hard on her and truth be known he had appeared rather haggard at their last meeting as well.

"Want me to call Brian to set the table ma?" Michaela turned at the sound of Colleen's voice.

"No, I'll do it." Michaela moved to the shelf, grateful for a useful activity that could occupy her hands as well as her mind even for a brief moment. Yet she forgot that even setting the table would remind her. The plates came first, five of them. She walked around the table doling them out – one for Colleen, one for Brian, one for Matthew, one for herself and one for Sully. Five spoons, five forks, five knives and five cups joined the plates each one reminding her that he would join them tonight – each one making her feel as if she might not be ready.

She went and stood behind her chair looking down the length of the table to where he would sit in a matter of minutes. It was only at this instant that she realized exactly why she was so nervous. Before now she had been unable to grasp that the problem was complicated. On one hand she was afraid that she wasn't ready to spend any amount of time with him. Yesterday, when they had met, it was dreamlike and even now if felt too surreal. Yet she also feared she was too ready. Loneliness was something she had indeed known before but after Sully came into her life that hadn't been an issue. The sting of being alone again was harder than she had thought it would be and part of her longed to simply be in his arms again, feeling his deep abiding love. Still that was the problem, she wasn't sure she could feel that love anymore. Around and around the thoughts swirled in her mind mocking her heart until she felt more confused than ever. She raised a hand to massage her left temple, taking a deep breath to calm her nerves.

Closing her eyes she asked herself what she wanted out of tonight. She smiled – she knew the answer to that question; she wanted to be his friend again. Fond thoughts flooded her memory and she relaxed. Tonight would be the sign that the wounds were beginning to heal – already were healing. Yes that was what she wanted- healing. She opened her eyes and took a step back, looking at the table now set for five. A wide smile graced her lips. This felt right.

Brian wandered in from outside with Matthew on his heels, both heading to see what Colleen was cooking. "Smells good, little sis," Matthew said jovially patting her on the back with one hand while the other snatched a carrot off the sideboard.

"Matthew," she scolded, swatting playfully at his hand.

Brian was looking at the table, an odd expression on his face. "Ya got five places set. Is Sully comin' for dinner?" he asked, enthusiasm obvious in his voice.

"Yes." Michaela smiled down at Brian, leaning over to ruffle his hair. Sully's absence had been hardest on him and she knew that his presence would be welcomed by the young boy.

"Ma, are ya and Sully still courtin'?"

Michaela blushed deeply, unsure how to reply. Her mind felt jumbled as she tried to find the words. 'I.. uh… that is we…" Her voice trailed off as she grew more flustered, knowing Sully would be here soon. It was a question she wasn't ready to face yet. Forcing herself to take a deep breath, she calmed a little. "We are taking some time."

"Some time?" Matthew looked over at her, his eyes wide. Sully's absence for the last two weeks had been noticeable, but Matthew had assumed they had argued and would soon be back to their old selves. To hear Dr. Mike actually admit that there was a problem, worried him.

"We need some time apart to think… to make decisions." She avoided his eyes, choosing to straighten the table settings instead.

"Is this cause of Sully kissin' Catherine?" Brian asked, his voice ringing out loud and clear. Colleen was jarred by his words and she dropped the spoon into the stew. Matthew furrowed his brow looking from Brian to Dr. Mike and back again. Neither had known, Michaela saw no point in telling them. She truly believed that this was only between the two of them. The fact that Brian had witnessed the kiss in the first place could not be helped but she truly thought he had forgotten all about it. The minute the stagecoach carrying Catherine had left town, Brian had readily forgiven Sully. In his innocence he spoke and Michaela could see that his brother and sister weren't taking it well.

After fishing out the spoon, Colleen turned. "Sully kissed Catherine?" she asked in disbelief.

Michaela who hadn't recovered from Brian's first question was reeling from the second. Concentrating her eyes on the table in front of her, she began to speak. "Well… Catherine kissed him. She didn't know about us. It was a misunderstanding." She couldn't' believe she was using these words when she felt it was so much more. Yet to be so brutally honest in front of the children and tell them how she truly felt was more than she could manage at the moment. The darkness threatened to overtake her momentarily but she put up a roadblock not letting her mind wander down that path. "Don't worry. Sully and I are working it out." She looked up seeing three pairs of eyes trained on her. "Really, there is no reason for you to worry."

Brian was the only one of the three who listened, turning towards the fireplace and sitting down with Pup beside him. Matthew stepped in close, his eyes boring into hers and Michaela grew nervous. "Ya sure ya want Sully here tonight?"

"I invited him, Matthew." Her words were curt but her eyes held gratitude for his concern.

"Dr. Mike if your letting him come because of us.."

Michaela held up her hand to interrupt him. "Thank you, Matthew. Thank you for wanting to protect me but he's still my friend, even if we decide not to be anything more than that. He's still your friend too."

Matthew raised an eyebrow in her direction, understanding how hard it would be to see Ingrid if they were broken up but he left it alone, trusting that she knew what she was doing. Michaela patted his arm and moved over towards the stove to assess Colleen's state. She had gone back to the stew but Michaela could tell she was upset by the way she stood.

"Colleen, are you alright?"

"I'm fine," she lied trying hard to come to grips with this new information.

"Please don't be upset. What happened is between Sully and me. He's still the same person who loves and cares about each of you." Colleen nodded, chocking back her own emotions. With the past few weeks finally beginning to make sense, she wasn't sure what to feel. She knew things had been tense between the two of them. Colleen was the only one who had heard Michaela's late night crying, who wondered what had happened to cause the strongest person she knew to sob into her pillow when she thought everyone was asleep. She didn't want anything to do with the person who made Dr. Mike feel like that. How could he let that woman kiss him?

Michaela was still standing with Colleen, trying to think of what else to say when the knock came to the door. She looked at the door and then at Colleen, feeling torn about what to do. Colleen sensed the hesitancy in her mother. Not wanting to add to her distress, she gripped Michaela about the waist. "It's fine, ma. Go on."

Brian was looking expectantly waiting for the word that it was alright to open the door. One nod from Michaela sent him running and she smiled when he opened the door and threw his arms around Sully's waist. "Sully!"

"Hey, Brian. I've missed ya." Sully patted the young boy's back, his eyes already meeting Michaela's as a tentative smile spread across his lips. The truth be known, he was extremely nervous because he felt as if their whole future rode on whether tonight went well or not. Logically he knew this was a small first step but judging from the butterflies in his stomach, his heart believed it was much more.

He stepped inside taking off his jacket and tool belt and hanging them on the back of his chair. Matthew stepped forward and offered Sully his hand, his top lip curling slightly. "Sully."

"Matthew, it's good to see ya too." Matthew let go of Sully's hands wanting to say something else but feeling it wasn't his place. Whether or not Sully had initiated the kiss with Catherine, Matthew knew it was bothering Dr. Mike. The strain was still evident on her face. A feeling rose up inside of him that he had never quite felt before. It didn't matter that she wasn't his real mother – he felt duty bound to protect her even if that meant from someone that he loved and respected. He wouldn't let Sully hurt her again.

Colleen busied herself with removing the biscuits from the oven so that she didn't have to greet Sully right away. "Hey Colleen," Sully offered speaking to her back.

"Hello," she returned, her voice small and strained.

Sully didn't notice though, his eyes were once again on Michaela trying to read her face. "Hey," he said softly stepping closer to her. The sound of her heart pounding inside of her chest, filled her ears and she wondered if he could hear it as well. "Did ya have a good day?"

"Slow day. Only two appointments at the clinic. How was your day?" Her eyes were riveted to his and she knew she couldn't look away even if she wanted to.

Sully gave his head a brief shake so that his hair fell behind his shoulders. "Checked some of my traps." No more words were said but their eyes communicated with each other. Both had spent most of the day thinking about tonight, which was obvious from their expressions. Wakened from their slumber by Colleen's dropping the stew down on the table harder than necessary they both turned.

"Supper's ready," she muttered, her face turned down and her cheeks a bright red.

Matthew and Brian wasted no time finding their places but Sully hesitated for a moment as if he wanted to say something. Colleen was already preoccupied with laddeling out stew for each person and Sully took advantage of the moment to reach for Michaela's hand. The move caught her off guard but it wasn't exactly unwanted. The moment his fingertips touched her palm, she found her senses soaring, warmth flooding her body and pooling in her cheeks. Tenderly he squeezed her fingers. "Thank you for invitin' me," he whispered.

"You're welcome." Her words were soft and featherlike – they hung in the air before floating away as if blown by a spring breeze. There was true gratitude in his eyes and perhaps even a small tear thought Michaela. When he pulled his hand away, she almost reached out and grasped it again not wanting to end their connection.

Dinner passed quickly – too quickly for either Michaela or Sully's liking. Colleen rarely looked up except when spoken to and she never once spoke to Sully. Michaela sensed her discomfort and Sully knew something was wrong but it was hard for either to do anything about it now. Besides every time her eyes met his, the three children faded away momentarily. Neither was sure how to handle it. Michaela felt as if she was defending the wall around her heart while each glance from Sully threatened to crumble it. Sully repeatedly reminded himself that things were still tentative and he couldn't risk ruining everything but rushing ahead blindly. Enjoy each moment he told himself. Enjoy the children, enjoy the food….enjoy her presence.

Soon the dinner plates were cleared and Colleen excused herself, feigning a headache to escape from the room. Matthew who normally would have headed out to the barn, stayed put his eyes roaming freely between the two. Sitting near the middle of the table it was as if he kept guard over Michaela, afraid to let Sully get too close. Brian asked Sully to play checkers and while they played Michaela washed the dishes, lost in her own thoughts.

The faint sounds of the checkers clicking against the board and Brian's laughter faded but Michaela never noticed until Sully stepped up beside her, taking a towel to help her dry. "I sent him on to bed. Thought I could help.

"Who won?" she asked trying to make small talk.

"Brian but my mind wasn't exactly on the game."

"Thank you for helping," she mumbled, her cheeks flushing at his words and proximity to her. Silence descended between them, each uncertain what more to say. Sully wanted to sit on the porch with her, talk about how to move forward but he didn't want to press his luck. Besides he had noticed how Matthew hovered over them and he wasn't sure that the young man would allow that to take place. He moved slowly hoping to draw out the process, not wishing to return to his lean to just yet. There was no delaying the inevitable though and eventually the last dish was dried and returned to the shelf.

"Thanks for dinner." He stepped towards his chair and put his belt back on before slipping his arms into his jacket. Michaela stood awkwardly to the side, uncertain what to do. A noise in the alcove caught her attention and she recognized the muffled sounds as Colleen crying. Her heart was stirred and she knew that whatever further thoughts she had about stepping outside with Sully would have to be suppressed – her daughter needed her.

"Good night," she offered, stepping towards the door to open it for him. Sully followed, turning so that their eyes met as he leaned his head against the door jamb momentarily.

"Night."

Their words hung in the air, their gazes locked. With a small space in between them, Matthew stepped forward. "I'll walk ya out Sully."

Sully was taken aback by the young man's directness but he nodded and moved through the door with Matthew on his heels. The blackness of the Colorado night was broken by the million tiny pinpoints of light cast down from the stars in the heavens. A small sliver of the moon hung in the night sky, casting a silvery glow on the ground. Even with a stalwart Matthew at his side, he couldn't help but think of Michaela. The long coppery locks would shine in the moon's glow. He closed his eyes for a moment and imagined his arm wrapped around her waist, the fragrance of her hair filling his nostrils.

Matthew's voice broke his fantasy. "Can I talk to ya for a minute?"

"Sure."

Shoving his hands into his pockets, Matthew stepped up beside Sully standing tall and straight as he took on this new role. His mouth was set in a straight line as he considered the man before him. It was Sully – the one who evened Michaela out, who loved them, took care of them but that didn't give him a right to hurt her. "I know it ain't my business what happened with Catherine."

"Matthew, that was a misunderstanding…" His voice trailed off, realizing that he was once again making excuses for his behavior instead of taking the responsibility. Regardless of whether he had meant to hurt her or not, the fact was he had and that was his burden to bear now.

"I'm not askin' ya to explain yourself to me – Dr. Mike's the one who ya need to talk to about that."

"She ain't ready to talk yet," Sully replied turning his head to look longingly back at the door.

Matthew ignored the forlorn tone of his voice pushing himself to speak the feelings that had risen up inside of him the moment he first heard about Catherine. "She's been miserable for weeks. I don't want to see her like that again… I ain't gonna let you do that to her again."

Sully suppressed a grin. Matthew was warning him off, letting him know that he was going to protect Michaela at all costs. If this had been someone else – Hank or Loren – Sully would have been upset but he couldn't be upset with Matthew. The words were endearing and sweet, the words of someone who really loved the woman just inside the door. "I don't want to do that to her again. I'm real sorry any of this happened.. I never meant to hurt her."

Matthew gave a small nod of his head. "Just so we understand each other."

"We do," Sully replied, glad for the dark that hide his amusement. It wasn't that he didn't take Matthew seriously but it felt funny to see him acting as Michaela's protector. At the same time, it made Sully feel ashamed that Michaela would need to be protected from him.

"Good." With that, Matthew walked on toward the barn his shoulders thrown back and his chest puffed out. Sully watched him go, pride in his heart at the remarkable way Matthew was behaving. He turned once more to look at the homestead door, wishing it would open and she would emerge but it didn't. A light sigh escaped his lips unsure why he was so impatient to move things along again. This was going to take time. Their relationship had been built up slowly, stone upon stone. Yet a few short whirlwind days had dislodged the stones, toppling each one and Sully knew it would take awhile to rebuild.

"I love you," he whispered. "And I'll wait – no matter how long it takes. I'll wait." The vow was unwitnessed by human ears but that did not matter- in Sully's heart if was set hard and fast. He had to be immovable on this one. With one last backwards glance, he disappeared into the tree line headed for the solitude of his lean to.

* * *

Inside the house Michaela slipped into the alcove, two cups of tea in her hand. "Colleen." Her voice was soft and warm, just what Colleen needed to soothe her frayed nerves. 

"Ma?" she sat up in her bed, her eyes rimmed with red.

"I brought you some tea." Colleen welcomed the cup, holding it's warmth between her hands as she took a tentative first sip. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Colleen diverted her eyes, pressing her cup against her chest wanting the warmth to fill her body. "Ma, I thought Sully loved you… I thought he loved us."

Michaela took a deep breath. She knew this was going to be hard to talk about but it wasn't until now that she realized just how hard it would be. "What makes you think he doesn't love you?" she asked trying to avoid talking about herself for a moment.

Two eyes looked up at her, her brow wrinkled with thought. "I suppose he does love us but … what he did… it makes it hard to believe. Doesn't he want to be here with you, with us?"

Michaela set her cup of tea on Colleen's bedside table and slid beside her daughter, wrapping an arm around her shoulder as she lay her head in the crook of Michaela's neck. "Colleen, what happened… I can't pretend that it didn't hurt me because it did. I sent Sully away – he wanted to be here but I couldn't…"

She felt Colleen nod against her shoulder. "Do you still love him?"

Michaela took a staggering breath. She knew the answer but she was afraid of it, afraid that speaking the truth would open the flood gates of pain once again. "I do that's why this is so hard, why it hurts so much."

Colleen hesitated for a moment, taking in her mother's words. "Does he love you?"

"I believe so." Michaela's words were short this time, not wanting to conjecture about what his feelings might be.

Colleen shivered against her mother. "Love isn't supposed to be like this," she whispered and Michaela recognized her own words. "I don't ever want to fall in love."

Michaela rubbed her daughter's shoulder reassuringly. "Oh Colleen, you can't build a wall around yourself. Yes sometimes love hurts – hurts deeply but it's also wonderful. The most wonderful feeling I've ever experienced."

"But is it worth the pain?"

Michaela smiled, the wall around her heart suddenly gone. "It's worth it," she whispered, closing her eyes and leaning her head against Colleen's. "Trust me, it's worth it."

* * *

When he had seen them, he had thought of her. The white petals tipped with purple ends, so delicate and graceful; the yellow center jutting out in all directions more perfect than he had ever seen. Falling to his knees, he cut them close to the ground wanting to preserve every bit of their beauty for her. Columbine flowers – Michaela had once told him that their name came from the Latin columba, meaning peace. It seemed appropriate to bring peace flowers to her as their relationship seemed to be moving forward. He was still worried about Colleen's reaction from the other night but he reminded himself that everyone would need time to heal, not just Michaela. 

Carrying the flowers in the crook of his arm, he set off for the homestead pleased with himself. He knew she would be returning from town about now and he hoped to surprise her, simply leaving the flowers as a gift without expecting dinner in return. The dinner two nights ago had given him confidence that they could get back what they had lost. The process might be slow and possibly still painful but there was hope in his heart. It felt as if the foundation of their relationship was already rebuilt. The chimney of the homestead came into view and he smiled broadly ready to see her face.

The sound of an approaching wagon stopped him in his tracks and he peeked through the trees to glimpse her face before he made his approach. The sight before him was unexpected though and he took a step back, swallowing hard. Michaela was driving the wagon seated next to a gentleman that Sully had never seen before. His heart froze within him as his worst fear seemed to take shape before him. It couldn't be, he told himself and snuck closer watching as they disembarked from the wagon. Matthew jumped out of the back and helped Michaela down but the strange man was there almost immediately. His face was animated as he spoke to Michaela and Sully could see that she laughed at his words, welcoming him into the house warmly.

He looked down at the flowers still tucked in the crook of his arm, noticing how they had already begun to wilt reflecting the way his heart fell. Closing his eyes, he lifted the blooms to his face and breathed in their sweet scent. Rationally he knew that this man could be anyone but the fact that he was at the homestead with his family. His family- Sully paused for a moment as he realized where his mind wandered. The thought that he would have a family, a real family – he never let himself dwell on it. There was part of him that still held onto the guilt of Abigail and Hannah's death – the feeling reminding him that he didn't deserve a family. Perhaps he really didn't deserve a family, after all he had messed things up with Michaela by letting Catherine come between them.

Sully waited until he was sure they were all inside and then he crept to the porch and left the flowers. He wouldn't see her smile or hear her gratitude but hopefully she would know- know that he thought about and loved her – know that he was waiting. Laying them at her door as an offering, a testament of his love he moved silently away again to begin the journey back to the lean to. The sound of laughter drifted through the door stinging his ears, the hope that was present moments earlier crumbling to bits. "I can't move backwards and only be her friend," he whispered. "I have to make her see, help her understand…." He turned, his head downcast, his shoulders slumped – a defeated man who had no one to blame but himself.

_

* * *

I decided to break this into two parts because it had become rather long and I wasn't yet satisfied with the second part. More by the end of the week. Thanks for reading. _


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman. The rights to those characters and to the show belong to the creators of the show, to CBS, The Sullivan Company and to A&E.

**Forwards – Part Two**

_This is a sequel to my previous story Backwards. It takes place after Catherine leaves and deals with how Michaela and Sully begin to heal._

The moon cast funny shadows on the ground as a light wind whistled through the trees. It seemed eerie outside by herself at this time of the night. Normally Sully would be here with her, his presence chasing away the uneasy feelings that arose at each strange noise. Alone things were different, the mind playing tricks on the eyes. Huddling deeper into her shawl, she looked down at the delicate Columbine flowers, their whiteness standing out against the dark of her skirt. The fragile blooms were already wilting but she wasn't ready yet to be parted from them as she continued to think over the situation with Sully. Why hadn't he made his presence known tonight? It wasn't like him to bring a gift and leave it for her but of course things were different now.

She was different now – wiser in some ways, more cautious as well. Again she looked down at the blooms, feeling her stomach clench tightly at the thought of what they signified. A gift - the kind of gift that spoke of more than friendship. Feeling the panic building in her chest, she quickly moved the flowers from her lap and stood taking in deep gulps of the night air. This whole experience was complicated, the hurt deep no matter what choice she made. Seeing him was being reminded of his betrayal. Not seeing him was being reminded of his absence. The emotional pain undulated between the two extremes, reminding her she wasn't yet ready to return to life before Catherine. Until the battle played out inside of herself, she wouldn't be ready. The inner conflict she felt would have to be resolved first.

"Slow and steady," she whispered to herself. As if putting their relationship back together was a surgical procedure. Letting her fingers crawl over the stems, she picked one bloom and brought it to her nose. "I can't Sully…not yet," she spoke into the darkness as tears sprang to her eyes. The pain was still too fresh; so fresh she could still taste it in the back of her throat.

A bitter sadness fell over her as she picked up one flower and pulled off the first petal. "He loves me." She dropped the purple tipped petal to the ground as she relived this childhood game. "He loves me not," she whispered, the air stilling around her. "He loves me. He loves me not. He loves me." She held onto the last petal rubbing it between her fingers, scattering the scent on the wind. "If only love was this easy…." The wind caught her words and carried them off into the night.

* * *

The sunlight twinkled off the fast moving water of the stream, scattering the spectrum of light and sending rainbows of color all around. The morning was chilly but Sully was certain it would warm up quickly as it had the day before. The past few days were hard on Sully as he purposely made himself stay away from Michaela. Giving the excuse of checking his tracks, he had left bright and early the morning after he had seen the gentleman at Michaela's house. For three days, he wandered aimlessly uncertain what to do next. He asked the spirits for guidance but even they remained strangely silent. Finally, he convinced himself that not knowing was harder than knowing and he returned to his lean to. Brian found him this morning washing at the creek and asked if they could go fishing. Half-heartedly Sully agreed and even now he was only physically there. 

Brian wandered a little ways down the stream, his pole wedged in between two rocks so that he could explore. Sully watched him absentmindedly, loosely holding his own fishing pole. The young boy was talking animatedly about a school project and Sully nodded every once in awhile with feigned interest. His thoughts were still on Michaela as they had been for the past few weeks.

"Sully your line is moving," Brian called over to him pointing at the line but it was already too late. A sharp tug pulled the pole right from between his fingers and it splashed loudly into the water. Brian laughed. "Guess you weren't payin' attention."

"Nope, I wasn't." He stood and splashed through the shallows of the stream to retrieve his poll the line now snapped clean in half by the fish that got away. He sat back down on the rock and made to reattach a hook and then bait to his line, vowing to get his mind out of the clouds and on the present.

"Ya comin' to dinner tonight Sully? Ma said she'd fry up any fish we caught."

Taking a deep breath, he gave a slight nod of his head. "If it suits your ma, I'll come." Brian smiled widely and then went to retrieve his own pole as Sully mulled over having to eat dinner with Michaela and the gentleman he had seen only a few days earlier. That would be unbearable he thought and so he began to question Brian, knowing his intentions weren't pure but pushing away the guilt that nagged at him.

"What did y'all have for dinner last night?" he asked casually hoping to divert any suspicion with the innocent question.

"Colleen made chicken and potatoes. It was real good – too bad you were checkin' your traps."

"Sounds good." He nodded his head as he spoke, waiting a moment before continuing. "Have any guests last night?"

"Nope. Just me and ma and Colleen. Matthew ate with Ingrid." Brian was becoming bored with the questions and he stood again pulling up his line and moving up the stream a little.

"Had any other guests recently?"

"No."

Sully's brow wrinkled in confusion but he didn't press the situation. Perhaps… perhaps he had misunderstood or misinterpreted what he had seen. With a shake of his head, he smiled and relaxed. He felt silly for making so many false assumptions and for staying away. No matter, he would make that all up tonight when he saw her.

"Oh, we did have some doctor fellow. Ma invited him and they talked forever. It was borin'."

What was said and what Sully heard were two different things. As often is the case when the mind is already bent in one direction, Sully's imagination began to run away from him. The previous thoughts of his silliness fled and they were replaced with fear that sprang up quickly and grew fiercely. Sully knew nothing about this man, other than he was a doctor but that thought alone was enough to set him off. David had been a doctor, sharing a whole part of Michaela's life that he never would. Sully could still remember early on in their courting when Michaela had reminded him of this fact. This man would have the same advantage. If the incident with Catherine had never happened, he would be sure that Michaela wouldn't count such differences but now….now things were different.

* * *

"Will you stay for dinner?" Her tone was casual and light, not betraying the fear and hope tied up in that one statement. Continuing to peel the potatoes, she only looked up after minute or so of silence. Sully was cleaning up the checker board most intently, Brian having already run outside to play. "Sully, did you hear me?" 

Pensively he turned giving her a slight nod. "Will there be room?"

Michaela's brow wrinkled. "Of course there will be room. Why would you ask that?"

"Brian mentioned you had a guest the other night. Didn't know if he might be joining ya again." His voice betrayed the feelings of jealousy he was trying so hard to cover.

Michaela ignored it though, answering directly in hopes of dispelling any qualms he had. "We did. Dr. Shipley from Denver. I had asked for him to come for a consultation about one of my patients. I had hoped you would join us." The sentence hung in the air filling up the room so that Sully could no longer ignore it.

Sully puffed out his cheeks and then looked away as he spoke. "I didn't know I was invited," he muttered under his breath, his frustration shining through. Once again he returned to the checkers as he made neat stacks of the red and black makers in their box.

Choosing to once again ignore his tone, she probed, "Is that why you didn't knock the other night?"

The flowers he left on the doorstep made it impossible for him to deny his presence. Taking a deep breath, he set down the checkers and looked at her fully in the face. "I don't know how to do this. I tried to stay away and give ya time and I'm tryin' to be your friend. I just don't know what I'm allowed and not allowed to do, Michaela." He balled up his hands in frustration and shook his head. "This is hard."

"It is," she agreed absentmindedly taking a step toward him.

Sully didn't realize how preoccupied she was with her own thoughts and took her moving as a good sign. Slowly so as not to scare her, he reached up and laid his hand on her shoulder, gently squeezing.

The light pressure flooded her body, making her heart pump faster and her breathing heavier. Michaela tensed under his touch and he felt it. It was like a blow in the stomach. She stepped backwards, turning abruptly away from him. "It's too soon," she whispered as his hand fell back to his side.

They had hugged and held hands since the Catherine incident but now she was bulking at a simple touch. Sully spoke his gut reaction, "I can't even touch ya?"

Slowly she pivoted to face him, trying to make sense of his actions. "I'm not ready." The light streamed through the window casting a strange shadow over his face, a bad omen of what was to come.

The blue eyes that met hers reflected the hurt he felt at her words. "Please don't push me away again," he whispered reaching his hand out but withdrawing it almost immediately under her withering gaze.

"I'm not pushing you away… I'm just not ready for anything more than friendship right now."

The words were strangled in his throat as his heart said one thing and his mind another. She was fragile and he knew he shouldn't say what he was feeling. He knew he had no right to but before he could stop himself it came out. "I don't know how to just be your friend."

The words cut through the tension burning a path to Michaela. She stiffened and took a step backwards, feeling cornered. "I'm not ready," she uttered, a look of desperation in her eyes. "You said you'd give me time."

"I've been givin' ya time!" The tone of his voice made her jump and he instantly regretted letting his frustration shine through. Taking a deep breath, he continued in a calmer manner. "I love you Michaela. I don't want to watch you with someone else."

"There isn't anyone else, Sully."

"Someday there might be. I can't stand by and watch that happen."

Like a caged animal, she began to pace back and forth. Internally the battle raged within her. She could see the pain in his eyes, hear it in his voice. It resonated inside of her and she knew that three little words could erase it. Michaela opened her mouth to speak but clamped it quickly shut refusing to give into the pressure. She would not be pushed into this when she wasn't ready. Rearing her head, she looked him in the eye and he physically wilted under her gaze. "Then don't. Go- if that's what you want, just go."

"I don't want to go. I want to know that we are working back towards where we used to be."

Twisting away from him, she hid her face. "I can't do this right now Sully. I can't say what you need to hear. I can't pretend that Catherine didn't happen."

The name hung in the air between them, both now looking directly at the other. Sully shook his head and sighed in disgust. "So we're back to that now?"

Michaela felt her ire rise at his words. "We're not back to that. We've never gotten away from it. I can't pretend that you didn't hurt me that I'm not still hurting." She rose up to her full height as she spoke taking another commanding step away from him. "Don't turn this back on me and try to make it my fault. You kissed her Sully…. You kissed her!" She was yelling now unaware of anything except the anger she felt inside. "Stop pushing me!"

The words echoed and then died, her expression quickly falling back to listlessness. She hadn't realized that she was so angry, still so angry. Sully stood stunned before her, backed down from the position he had taken just a few minutes earlier. In one careless moment he had ruined everything. He opened his mouth to speak but found there was nothing to say. Grabbing his coat off the back of the end chair, he pushed past her. "Come on boy," he called to wolf.

The animal was curled up near the fireplace and he lazily lifted his head as if to question his master. He stretched his front legs and looked up at Sully once again who snapped his fingers more impatiently. Finally he moved quickly now allowing Sully to complete his exit.

Michaela watched him go only briefly considering stopping him when Wolf had bulked. "One step forward and two steps back," she whispered to herself looking back down at the potatoes. All she wanted was to lie down on her bed and cry but there was no time for that right now. "Forwards," she said aloud, the word sounding strange to her ears. "I don't know how to move forwards."

* * *

The dying embers of the campfire mocked him, making him think of the homestead in the last light of the evening. The children settling into bed as Brian tried his best to argue for another story. The way Colleen kissed his cheek, wishing him good night. She hadn't done that the last time he was there – the look in her eyes one of distrust and perhaps betrayal. He missed that – that feeling of being connected, of having a family. There was a dream from long ago when he was younger; a dream with children filling the homestead, of laughter and smiles. Ironically that dream had come true, though not in the way he had imagined. 

His thoughts turned to her now. He would watch as she wished the children good night one last time, pulling blankets up to their chins to ensure their warmth. This time of the night was his favorite. Michaela would bring coffee out to the porch and they would sit there together in the peaceful quiet watching as more and more stars filled the darkened sky. The feel of her head tucked up under his chin, her hair tickling his neck. Missing the way she would lay her hand inside of his waiting for him to curl his fingers around hers. In the moonlight, she was a celestial being the light in her eyes sparkling especially bright.

Long ago in what seemed another lifetime, he sat on that same porch with Abagail. She too liked to tuck her head under his chin and curl up to his side but things were different then – he was different then. Perhaps he had never been able to feel things properly, his heart frozen by years of deep sorrow. The death of his family when he was still young, the need to be tough and strong despite how one felt inside. His mind turned to Abagail now, the only other woman he had loved. Things were different then, he was different then. Even with Abagail there were things he couldn't talk about, things he couldn't say. She always wanted to hear words of love and affirmation, faulting Sully for being cold and distant at times.

Now he was faulting Michaela for the same thing. Is this how Abagail had felt long ago? Shut out by him, kept at a distance – afraid of letting someone know too much about him. It wasn't that he didn't love her, that he didn't need her but rather that he wasn't always sure how to show her. Physically he could show her but Abagail was hungry for something else, something that he never managed to get quite right. How strange that his heart had only truly awakened after her death… after Hannah's death. He still remembered holding the lifeless body of his child in his arms, insisting on seeing her despite the protests of others. The shock of dark hair the same color as Abagail's caught his attention first before he let his finger run along her cheek. The red of the tiny lips, perfectly formed but still. He would have given his life to hear that little girl cry… to watch her eyes open. He would have given his soul to hear Abby's laugh or to watch her smile just one more time.

How strange that in death his heart awakened – just at the moment that he wished to dull it. The pain was more intense than he could have ever imagined and that was why he had run, hoping to lose the ache that constantly plagued him. Meeting Cloud Dancing, learning to accept the sorrow and the emotions changed his life in ways he didn't even know how to express. Then he had met her. As if his whole life was in preparation for that moment, he thought to himself. For once, he was free to love and share that love.

What had happened? How had things gotten so mixed up? It wasn't that he had felt something for Catherine but rather that she initiated and reciprocated so willingly. The touches, the looks, the gift of the necklace… the kiss… it all haunted him. There were moments when he knew he should tell her explicitly about Michaela but it felt good to be needed, to be wanted like that. His mistake had been letting himself enjoy her attention simply because it made him feel good.

The journey to get to this place, to be able to feel, to understand who he was had been long and complicated. And now just at the moment that he was able to love and be loved fully in return, he had ruined it. Was it possibly to destroy your destiny? To mess up the one thing you had never been more certain of? As if looking down into the abyss, Sully thought of his life without her, a damned half-life. He needed her… his life was meant to be spent with her. It had taken him over thirty years to get to this place, he could wait until she was ready … he had to wait.

* * *

The need to see her had driven him into town yet even now as he slowly made his way to the clinic, the urge to turn back was strong. Still he continued on, regretting walking away the night before. He should have reassured her that he would wait, that he would give her all the time she needed. That's what he would tell her now, promise her not to push again. The clinic door now loomed before him and he knocked gently on it feeling the nervous flutter of his heart. 

Colleen opened the door and scowled. "She's not here," she said instantly already turning away.

"Where is she?"

"Went to check on Mr. Donelley's foot." Her words were short and brief, hoping that Sully wouldn't decide to wait around fore Dr. Mike to return.

"Colleen could I talk to ya for a minute?"

She gave a shrug of her shoulders, wishing he wouldn't but not wanting to be outright rude. "I guess," she said noncommittally.

"I know this whole… thing has been hard on Dr. Mike and ya'll as well. I just want to say I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt ya."

The words were sincere and heartfelt, she could tell that but they did little to change how she felt inside. Slowly she turned to face him. "Alright," she whispered the expression on her face remaining neutral. As their eyes met, she felt the damn inside burst apart. "Why did you do it?" she asked in an accusatory manner.

Sully looked ashamed, the hurt that she felt only now becoming apparent. He hadn't thought of how it would affect her but he should have. "I didn't mean for it to happen," he said struggling to explain. "I guess your ma and me just needed to work some stuff out."

"At night when she thinks we're all asleep, she cries Sully. You hurt her so bad." Colleen felt tears rising up in her own eyes as the battle between hating and loving the man before her waged on.

The words were another well aimed blow to Sully and he closed his eyes trying desperately to think how to explain this all to Colleen. Both were so caught up in the moment that they didn't hear the steps along the wooden walkway that stopped just outside the door, listening. "I know I've hurt her deeply. I never meant to and I wish I could take it all back."

"But you can't," she pointed out giving a little shake of her head.

"No I can't so I gotta prove to her that she can trust me again – that I ain't gonna hurt her again. I think I gotta prove that to you too."

Colleen sniffled loudly and wiped at her cheeks. "She cried again last night." The words dropped from her lips almost by accident.

"I know," he whispered having already sensed it inside. His next words were not necessarily aimed at Colleen but he spoke letting his plan come out for some reason, not knowing Michaela stood only feet away. "Sometimes people they want to feel special. And sometimes that might be attention from another person that makes them feel special."

"Catherine made you feel special?"

Sully nodded. "I didn't love her or have those kind of feelings for her."

"But she was so beautiful- you thought she was beautiful."

Sully swallowed hard. "I did think she was beautiful but that don't mean I love her." Colleen looked up confused and Sully instantly guessed what she was thinking. "I think Dr. Mike is beautiful too but that ain't why I love her. It's who she is inside Colleen – that's who I love. She's beautiful inside. Knew that right off. She was standing in Mr. Bray's store with your mom and she took down the sign saying No Indians. She said it had seen it's time. I never forgot that she was willing to stand up for what was right."

Colleen smiled faintly, the thaw beginning. "You still love her?"

"Of course I do. I ain't goin' anywhere Colleen. I'm gonna stay here and earn her trust back… earn your trust back."

"Thank you," she whispered taking a step toward him. "Thank you for not being like my pa." The words moved Sully deeply and he lifted one arm to hug her. Colleen took him by surprise when she grabbed him tightly around the neck holding on for several seconds. Sully encircled her with both arms, rubbing her back gently as he felt hot tears fall on his shirt. Eventually she calmed and moved away from him. "Thank you," she whispered again.

Without remembering that he was there to see Michaela, Sully nodded and took a step towards the door. Michaela, who had been completely absorbed in the conversation didn't have a chance to move before he stepped outside and practically ran into her. Their eyes met but neither spoke for a minute each uncertain what to say. Sully backed slowly away not wanting to ruin the feeling that had settled in his chest. She had heard his heart now and he hoped that would be enough.

When he stepped off the porch, Michaela stepped forward. "Will you come to dinner tonight?"

Sully nodded, a flicker of a smile settling on his lips. "See ya tonight." With that he was gone, wolf at his side as he walked down the road leading out of town.

"One step forward," she whispered watching him go.

* * *

The first stars of evening were appearing, coming out of their slumber and awakening to the new night. Michaela felt like them, as if she was awakening to. The confusion of the last week was gone, falling away like scales from her eyes. The thought that she would never be able to let Sully so close again was dispelled, the path now clear before her. Sitting on the top step of the porch, she imagined what it would be like when Sully joined her. She wasn't ready to go back completely yet. There was still healing to be done but it felt finally as if she would heal - as if they could come through this. The light at the end of the tunnel was in sight. She hadn't reached the end yet but the hope that they would was there. Perhaps it had always been there, buried underneath all the hurt. 

The opening of the door jarred her and she instantly turned her face up to see him. "He's asleep," Sully said moving down the stairs to leave. "Pretty tired myself," he added faking a yawn.

"Could we talk?" Michaela asked freezing him in his tracks.

Sully looked surprised but pleased. "Sure," he said as Michaela scooted over to make more room for him. Both grew nervous and that bred an uncomfortable silence.

Michaela knew she had asked him to stay - to talk but words were hard to find at the moment. "It's a lovely night," she said, her tone revealing her nervousness.

Sully nodded. "It is."

"Sully I…"

"Michaela.."

They both spoke at the same time and then each laughed, feeling silly. It was just the thing to break the tension though. Michaela noticed that he had used her given name and that brought a blush to her cheeks as it always did on the rare occasions that he used it.

"Go ahead," he said waving his hand to indicate she should start.

"I heard you at the clinic today. I heard what you said to Colleen about waiting."

Sully turned to face her head on. "I meant that Michaela. The things you said the other day, you were right. I am pushing, expecting too much too fast." Michaela nodded but remained silent. "I don't want to mess this up," he whispered turning his head down as he revealed his innermost fears.

"I don't want to mess it up either Sully. I want things to go back to how they were. I know that may be hard to believe."

"I ain't good at bein' patient about things like this. I never was… that's one of the reasons Abagail and me eloped. But I want you to know that I'm gonna wait… wait until you're ready for me… for us again."

Michaela smiled. "And I want you to know that even though I'm not ready to go back to courting yet, that I still love you."

The words were just what Sully needed to hear. The tension left his body, tension that he wasn't even aware of. "Thank ya," he whispered wanting to reach out and touch her but afraid to move.

Michaela read his mind though and moved a little closer to him. Hesitantly Sully raised his arm and gently placed it around her shoulder. Their eyes met and Michaela moved even closer, drawn their by some imaginary hand. She relaxed against him, letting her head rest against his shoulder. Sully breathed in deeply, reveling in the feeling of her here with him.

Gone were thoughts of Catherine and fears that their relationship was over. In the place of confusion, rose a deep abiding peace. In the place of despair, rose a hope that burned deep within chasing away all the pain. There were still healing to be accomplished but finally their direction was set. They would move forward taking each step slowly but together.

* * *

_So sorry it took me soooo long to finish this story. I know that this doesn't follow up with Ready or Not exactly but it is rather what I would like to see. A slow gradual healing followed by the scenes from Abduction Aftermath. I know Matthew and Sully didn't talk in this one but I thought perhaps that they would talk after Luck of the Draw about mistakes… Matthew understanding that healing takes time but is possible. Thanks for reading._


End file.
